BORN IN AGE OF LOST....
Wow, what a year it has been so far...I'm both doing great and also not.....
Do U ever have this feeling of lost, while in the eyes of others and world perspective U have it all? That's my present situation. Some of my posts here and one of the reasons why I like to remain anon is that of writing my own personal journal entries on here. This is what I have wrote few weeks ago.
Yes, I ain't sick with medical reasons, not sick with any disease that those I see everyday have nor any problem that a doctor can diagnose. My problems can't be fixed with medication nor with psychoanalytic theories. It can't be fixed with religious texts, God knows I haven't sinned and I'm positive that because of my beliefs and lifestyles religion doesnt do it.
Now what!
In the last month and half I feel like I don’t even fit in with my own life. Lately I have found myself swept up in the whirlwind of life and what's amazing is that I know it. May times others closer by have said they envy the simplicity of my life an open individual with great social life who can walk in or out in any situation and education life that few will ever have the chance to experience. So, again what's the deal?
Here is the deal, I don't know how to say NO and that causes me many problems that I can't handle at the end. The worst part of this is all my relationships started with me saying YES, rather NO. No, thanks I'm not interested.......even when I should have yelled about it. I'm back with my old high school girlfriend once more....and I already know it will not last long.....ohh how I sh*t with my life... I know we would not be great after all that went between us….even though I hate that deep, deep down I am aware it will never happen again as it did and by saying YES makes me fear saying NO and that I will have to spend the rest of my whole life wondering what if it can work again and I have said NO.....
You see, I always fear saying NO, I fear it will change me too much....my personality and life has been all YES.......This fear also goes beyong my love life....lately I have seen it with other parts of my life....which makes me fear more.
UPDATE.....
Thanks all. "Some-times" the way I write comes like I mean different to what I really wanted or I mean for it. Alaz, that has been my life-always changing, always open. My original mental stage when I wrote this on my journal was that "I hold that humans are not equal for goodness and badness...the goodness out-weights the badness..and here is where my YES always comes from.....This is more personality and not changing reality. Thus, making me to really hold for-ever to those who R close to me, with or without the past history we had in the past. U see, every person who has been involved in my-life has been there, still there and will always be there, for goodness or badness. And I have been there for them. I have lived my life that way. I still see all my old flames including her and others that I always thought were the ones, but end thankfully. U see, I really hold my life has been special and THEY, those who I came to live with, hold, enjoy their lives as much as I did in my past.....The problems is saying NO, when it comes to futureless love which I would like to be only for her and me to be friends as I have been with her family and her.....that's all.
posted by Dem Soldier @ 3:59 PM
6 Comments:
Oh, Dem... It's almost impossible to say "no," isn't it? I know because I am the same way. I feel a physical pain in my stomach whenever I try to say "no" because I have this thing inside of me that always wants to please those around me. I have practiced first saying "no" to little things before I attempted saying "no" to bigger things like getting into relationships that were no good for me, or getting into situations that only lead me to trouble. You have to learn to do what is best for you first, rather than doing what you think will please others. You know the instructions that they give you on airplanes about giving oxygen to yourself first before attempting to place the oxygen on others? Well, it's like that in life also. You have to be good for yourself and to you yourself, before you can be good to and for others. It's not about being selfish either. It's just making sure that you can be the best that you can be before giving yourself to others.
Glad to hear from you, brother.
Okay this 25 almost 26 year old chick totally hears you but I have the opposite problem I say no or say yes then totally wreck it and then I what if for months sometimes even years driving myself and those around me completly insane. I face trying to move on now. I have to say from the outside everyone would say I have it all or pretty close to it. I have a good job with decent money I live in a five bedroom two bath house and I don't have to pay a dime. I have a great family and an awesome bestfriend. So your asking yourself what else would I want? Easy I want to become a writer I want my book published and my songs sung by a top artist and I want love someone to love who loves me back. I think that last one is the issue when you have so much and it's not enough. Learn to say no but don't have any what if's because sometimes there's no solving them.
You see, I always fear saying NO, I fear it will change me too much
Saying no changes no part of anyone. Not you, not the other person. And if somebody tells you "I'm like "...." because you said no," they are manipulating you. Lose them. You will be the better for it.
It sounds as tho you've preordained the relationship with the old HS girlfriend to fail already. "After all that went on between us" is called water under the bridge. That's why we are struck down dead with our first mistake.:) Imagine the baggage you're gonna be hauling around by the time you're sixty, if you don't learn to let bygones be bygones.:)
Saying "No" isn't all that bad, you should try it out sometimes. I don't really understand this entry too well. Do you feel that you've been taken advantage of because of your "simple, go-with-the-flow" life? "No" is just a preference, it shouldn't change anything...and saying "Yes" doesn't either.
Life gets pretty tough sometimes. If what you're dealing with right now isn't anything that can be psychologically diagnosed, then I'm sure you already know how to cure it. Stick it out.
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Thanks all....check the update.
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